Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
