I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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