I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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