I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
