Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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