Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize