My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
