FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
