Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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