I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
