just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The best revenge is premature balding
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
