Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
