if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
