Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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