everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
