my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
