drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
