she woke up with a sticky ear
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
