Swine flu is the new snow day.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
