sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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