Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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