Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
