I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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