I think I won the penis lottery.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
