I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
