I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
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If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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