So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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