Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
