onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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