went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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