What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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