Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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