Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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