Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
