the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
