Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
