In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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