I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
