Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
