It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
