My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
