tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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