i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
