Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
