U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
