and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
