I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
