I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
