FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
