Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
