Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
