The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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