based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
