you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
