Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
