unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
