Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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