is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
