You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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