ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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