Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
